This is where I normally give up.

I haven't posted in months and I'm not where I want to be. It would be easy to just sort of let My New Life fade away. 
 

Balls to that, I say.
 
My New Life started off really well. Results for the month of January were beyond my goals and I was in rock and roll mode. Locked and loaded. Motivated on my journey to better health and happiness.
 
Then, February 4th, my mother passed away. Like a lot of people, our mom/daughter relationship is not exactly how I would have liked it to be. But she was my mother. She loved me the best way she could and I loved her. And I did my best to care for her as she aged.
 
Now, I didn't really grieve the way one might expect to during the loss of a parent. No real tears, no anger. As she was elderly and her quality if life had diminished quite drastically over the past several years, I was pretty much relieved. I believe she is in a place with no more pain, fear or worry. And I find that comforting.
 
I do find myself grieving for what might have been. I grieve for the loss of the mother I always wanted and I grieve because I was not the daughter I wish I could have been.
 
I'm beginning to recognize my grief mainly manifests itself in my gut. I have anxiety pretty much all of the time. But ever since February 4th, I've been struggling with stomach issues. It's really been messing with My New Life. For weeks the only thing I could eat without enduring rumbling in my tumbling and subsequent trips to the toilet for rectal fireworks were bland, white carbs and bananas.
 
With my metabolism, that sort of diet is processed into sugar and fat. GUH.
 
So, while I have lost about 17 pounds, my weight loss has been at a stand still for weeks, while I sort out what I can and can't eat and slowly try, by trial and error, introduce some healthier options into my diet.
 
I can say that I've made all of my workouts, even when I wasn't feeling well, and I'm trying to get walks in when I can. So I do feel good about that.
 
My trainer measured me a week or so ago to see if I'm making progress with my inches. And, again, while it's slow, I was very excited to see how I'm improving.
 
Here are my "inches loss" stats:
 
Ankles: 1"
Calves: 2"
Thighs: 1"
Hip: 5"
Waist: 6.5"
Chest: 3"
Biceps: 4"
Forearms: 2"
Wrists: .5"
Neck: 1.25"
Total: 26.25"
 
I'm impressed with myself! That's like over two feet of myself that no longer exists. I'm going to embrace my accomplishments and try and use it as a springboard for the next steps on my journey.
 
Normally when the going gets tough, I find excuses and give up. I'm not where I thought I'd be by this point in My New Life. That stinks. But it doesn't mean I am going to quit. I'm going to celebrate my achievements, no matter how small they may seem, set more goals and continue on my path, one step at a time.
 
 

What I did and didn't eat and how I feel about it

Guys. You know how I talked about how important preparation has been for My New Life?

Well, I attended a banquet thing for work last week, and I had everything planned out in advance. No booze, only water. No carbs at dinner. No desert.

And I was successful. Doubly so because I DIDN'T EAT THIS:

I didn't eat this.

Nor did I eat her ginormous chocolate sister, which was the other option. I did, however, make my coworker eat them both (or at least try to) and describe them in finite detail. It wasn't weird or awkward at all for the other people at our table.

Needless to say, I felt really good about my choices that evening and I pretty much owed it all to pre-deciding. 

Fast forward to last night. I was not prepared for the hubs to walk in the door yesterday evening with a big bowlful of homemade caramel corn from our neighbor, Lu. It is so good. I mean this is the kind of stuff that, if not shared fairly, causes divorce. I'm sure it could solve world peace if we could only stop eating it long enough to distribute globally. So, as I'm sure you guessed, I ate some. And then I ate some more. To my sugar-starved taste-buds, it was like candy, like the nectar of the Gods, like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one! 

But, pretty much thirty seconds after I finished my double-fisted fiesta, I wished I could rewind and have a do-over. I felt really bad. I was disappointed in myself for giving in. And I paid for it on the scale this morning too.

My point is, (to paraphrase a familiar saying) that not preparing — for every contingency — is preparing to fail. 

I may not be able to plan the details and correctly guess every situation I may be confronted with. But by thinking about different scenarios and having some scripting ready to go, for others or for my own self-talk, can really help. So next time I come face to face with some caramel corn or Doritos or some home-baked bread smothered with butter, I can put my plan in action. I'll remember the big picture, focus on my goals and just say no. 

Time to pick myself off, dust myself off and warrior on.

Rawr.

Preparedness is next to Godliness

I'm not a big waiter. Patience is something I continually work on improving. I'm more of a spontaneous type of gal. Jump first, speak first, live first and ask questions later.

I mean, just this morning, I burnt my tongue on the way to work because I couldn't pace myself and took a giant gulp of tea. I've done this a million times, but I never learn. In the moment. I. want. the. tea.

So, My New Life is really testing my patience. Like, I want to be fit and trim and healthy now! But as I told a friend last week, “all I can do is trust the process and keep going." 

And you know what, I feel pretty good about it. I'm working at being more organized and better prepared so I have good choices on hand when I need a snack or a quick meal.

Weekends are spent grocery shopping and veggie chopping. It really does make My New Life easier.

Pretty work-day snacks all in a row.

You know what else? For the first time, I get what people are talking about when they say healthy food taste good. I know, weird, right? Honest to G, I've stopped eating junk and now when I have a radish or blackberry, I taste the flavor and savor the texture and am grateful for what it's doing to nourish my bod and give me strength and stamina.

So, the hubs and I have been trying out some new recipes and here's one I made over the weekend, Healthy Mexican Casserole. I added about 1/2 lb taco meat and switched out the refried beans for black beans. It's as beautiful as it is tasty. And when two are tangoing, it's even kinda fun to chop, pop and casserole.

Black beans, corn, peppers onions and sauce for the win!

What do you do over the weekends to get ready for the work week. Got any tips for the organizationally challenged?

Rawr.

Great change is made one decision at a time

I've decided.

To say "yes" more when it's good for my body, mind and spirit.
And to say "no" when it's not.

That's how I found myself knee deep in snow on the banks of the Mississippi and Minnesota rivers this weekend, snowshoeing at Fort Snelling State Park with two of my besties, Jen and Becky.

Becky, me and Jen, with the visitor's center behind us. We learned about the history of snowshoeing and some stuff about the history of the Fort before donning our gear.

Normally my main goal on a Sunday is to see how long I can remain in my pajamas. So Sundays involved being lazy, lots of Netflix, reading, napping and occasional outings to church or perhaps visit my mother. It's my rejuvenation day.

But you know what? Last Sunday was probably the most rejuvenated, energized and positive I've felt the eve of a looming work week in a good long while. It was terrific to spend time with good friends, laughing and trading stories. We enjoyed some wonderful, healthy food, prepared by Jen and her cute-as-bug husband, Tom. I even got some fresh air, for gol darn's sake.

It made me feel accomplished, happy and alive.
And it's all because I decided.

To say "yes." 

Hitting the trail!

A stones-throw from where the rivers converge.

There were some gigantic trees on the trail. And we saw beaver-chomped tree stumps, 

deer tracks and humans too!

I'm thankful for my friends who invite me places and who want to spend time with me. What do you do to get yourself out of a rut? 

I am a Warrior and I Reign Victorious

All the feels!

My journey to health has just begun and I can already tell that I am feeling things more acutely than I'm used to because I'm not using food to fill up my empty spaces and block out the neg voices. But I am just taking it minute by minute and things are going pretty well. 

Lucky for me I have wonderful support system. My family and friends hang in there with me round after round cheering me on with unfailing loyalty and love. Being me, my natural inclination is to doubt this good fortune and feel that it is undeserved. But you know what? I'm trying to re-frame my thinking. I respect and admire these wonderful people. Who am I to question their judgement? :p

So, to help get myself on board, I decided to try the Stewart Smalley tactic of positive affirmations. The hubs is on board and we have little notes all around the house. Tonight I made a few more using WordSwag, an iPhone app that is really cool and fun. 

My most favoritest of affirmations is the first one shown up top because one of my very dearest of friends told me this very thing. She thinks I'm a warrior, guys. And I believe her. Who am I to question her good judgement?

Rawr.

Queen of the Yo-yo's: Round Infinity

When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or the reflection of a window or in a photograph, it takes me a moment to figure out who I'm looking at. For a nanosecond I am confused as to why this fat, middle aged (if I'm being generous) woman is gazing at me with a dumbfounded expression on her face.

Then — in less than an instant — I realize that I'm gazing upon a reflection of myself. And it makes me sad and embarrassed and a little bit angry. At the world. But mostly at myself. 

Quite some time ago, my mirror stopped being a reflection of who I really am. That person doesn't represent the way I see myself. Or feel about myself. Or how I want others to see me. At. All.

I've decided it's time for my outsides to match the way I feel on the inside: 

• young, 
• vibrant, 
• energetic, 
• optimistic, 
• happy.

I'm embarking on a journey. 

I'm going to explore, discover and learn about living a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to acknowledge my past, my struggles and try to help the part of me that tries to love myself and heal myself and comfort myself with food. Because that's not really love, is it?

So, I've taken the first steps. A few weeks ago I started working with a personal trainer to improve my strength, stamina and cardiovascular health. And, I'm committed to eating healthier too. Yesterday we bought lots of healthy food and today I'm cooking up and cleaning up and cutting up and containering up all kinds of nummie, nutritious bites to eat this week at home and at work.

Blackberries and Greek yogurt 

 Hard Boileds

Veggies Galore

Oranches

Crock-pot Chicken Chili

Pan Roasted Chicken with Garlic, Onion Powder & Paprika

Those of you that know me, know I've tried this before. 

Many, many times. And I've had some short-term success. I'm pretty much queen of the yo-yo's. So, technically, the odds aren't in my favor. But you know what? If I give up, I will never succeed. And I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about myself. I want my husband and family to be proud of me, not ashamed. And more importantly, I want to be proud of myself. Not ashamed.

That means, no matter how many times I fail, I need to (as the song says) get up, brush myself off and start all over again. Each time I try I learn more about myself and about getting healthy. 

I am blessed to have a wonderful life. I am very happy and thankful for everything I have. But I'm far from satisfied. There's more out there for me. Even with all I have; I still deserve more. And I'm going to be greedy and I'm ready to go out there and take what's mine!

Rawr.